You are here: Home / taking care of you / Beauty From Ashes.
21
Oct 2009

Beauty From Ashes.

October 21, 2009 By 28 Comments
  • Sharebar

b (1 of 1)February 4, 2004

I felt so yucky last night, but lay in bed with my new Pregnancy magazine. I sucked on lemon drops as I waited for Justin to get home from a late meeting. He looked at me and mentioned something about his “pregnant wife”. Those words gave me tingles. Now they give me tears… I started to bleed this morning and am still.

October holds a special place in my heart, our first baby was due during this month and although it’s been nearly 6 years I can still remember that brisk morning that we lost it. It was an ordinary morning, I had work that day. As I drifted off to sleep the night before I felt the cramps, but my mom had assured me that was pretty normal. I dreamt of crocheted blankets and middle of the night feedings – I awoke in horrible pain and bleeding dreadfully.

I thought it was most certainly the most horrible day of my life, and in a way it was. Our precious little one didn’t get much of a chance, but as I shared with close friends and family I realized so many had suffered a similar loss. Women grieved with me and family brought flowers and sent cards. We were loved and supported, yet the aching I felt for what could have been was heavy. What did I do wrong, I wondered. Why us, I yelled at God. My body was physically in pain and my heart in a million pieces.

Journaling became my means of healing. I wrote words of despair and hate. I poured into my little black journal all of the hurt and fear I had for the future. Slowly but surely, the pages begin to look less scribbled and a bit more legible. I can see the gradual mending of my soul and I was able to notice once again the wonderful things in my life.

Ten and a half months later we welcomed an 8 pound, 9 ounce baby boy into our lives. He was the beauty from our ashes. Against the better judgement of our doctors and a complete surprise to us, we conceived again the month after our loss. I now look at this loving 4-year-old boy and think that if it hadn’t been for that loss, I wouldn’t have the gift that he is. And what a gift indeed.

Have you suffered a loss of any kind? How about the aching for something that feels so unreachable? I hope if you find yourself in a similar situation you are able to talk about it with others, or perhaps journal some of your feelings – leaning on the shoulders of those who love you.

About Angie


Angie is the founder and editor of The Creative Mama, who lives in the beautiful Bay Area, CA. She also blogs her own personal journey at angiewarren.com. When she isn't writing or taking photos, Angie can be found having tickle fights with her boys and frequenting the local Starbucks.

Related Posts with Thumbnails
Print Friendly
Filed Under: taking care of you, the kids
  • http://theakohlhepp.wordpress.com Theadora

    Dear friend, thank you for your raw feelings and genuine heart. My journal is my dearest friend. Though I have not suffered from a loss of a child, I do feel heartache for other challenges. Thank you for sharing bits of your grieveing process and reminding us that…”this too shall pass.” Hugs.

  • http://www.jaynejewell.com Jayne

    *Sigh* Oh Angie,

    Are you my sister? With everything I read from you I feel such a kindred spirit. Our stories are very similar. I lost my first baby too like many women. I felt the ache of the heart and turned to long walks and my journal. The lost dreams feeling like I would never be the mama I wanted to be.
    Forty-five days later I was pregnant again too with my boy A who is now five.
    Thank you for always sharing your heart.
    J

  • http://www.andreadawnphotography.com andrea

    Oh Ang, I feel your pain and am so sorry for your loss. Our day was 9/11/2003, I can remember it like it was yesterday, the loss, the confusion, wondering what might have been, the struggle to get through to the blessings that would follow. I too found great solace in putting pen to paper and letting if flow, it heals the heart and captures the raw emotion of the days gone by. Thank you for sharing, I know that you will touch many hearts with your story and give hope to those currently grieving this same loss. {{hugs}} my friend.

  • http://rebeccaphoebe.blogspot.com/ Rebecca

    What is it about writing that is so cathartic to the soul. I started to write in my journal but ended up doing it on a blog instead. I lost a sweet daughter to stillbirth in April 08. I also lost one in miscarriage and conceived 3 days after the D & C. It\’s so painful and yet life still marches on with or without us. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If you would like to read of my experience, my blog is here: http://rebeccaphoebe.blogspot.com/ Start at Chapter one for the full story.

  • http://www.fernleafphotography.com Alice

    Thank you for posting this. I lost my first two to miscarriages and the second one was particularly difficult and had some major health repercussions. I now have a 20 month old daughter who is the greatest joy of my life. Who knows if we’ll be lucky enough to have another someday, but for now I am beyond grateful for the one little joy that we have. She has healed me in more ways than she’ll ever know.

  • http://915136 Crystal

    I to am sorry for your loss. I lost my first one also and it was a hard thing I never did understand why. By far it was one of the hardest thing we had to go thur. Now we have a beautiful little girl that I hold so tightly and love her up every chance I get, I couldn’t imagine life with out her.

  • http://www.imagesbydana.com dana

    Gosh, you brought tears to my eyes. I will pray for you today that you do not lose this new baby. I have 5 beautiful kiddos from 11-22. After my third, I had a miscarriage and then my fourth (my first blonde haired blue eyed girl after 3 boys) survived, but her twin did not. Although I am certain I am a bit older than you, even though the pain disappates as time goes on, moms young and old who have experienced a miscarriage or stillborn will always love all of our babies. We all experience various kinds of losses in our lives, but the healing and the appreciation we gain for the simple things in life often grow out of our sadness. Please let us know how things turn out today. Fingers crossed and hugs for you!!

  • Heather O

    Tears. Hugs. Much love.

    I have lived your loss, Angie. During my first pregnancy in 2002, I had a paralyzing fear of each doctor appoinment, worrying each time that I’d find out something had gone wrong. Thankfully, that pregnancy was uneventful. When I became pregnant again in 2005, that fear subsided somewhat. My husband and I had seen the baby’s beautiful heart beating at my first appointment. I was 8 weeks along. I had to go to my second appointment alone because my husband was out of town. The doctor could not find the baby’s heartbeat. I again became paralyzed with fear. The ultrasound confirmed that the baby I had been carrying for 12 weeks was no longer living, and there I sat . . . alone. Words cannot describe my despair, and, frankly, I was unprepared for the loss and grief I felt at that moment and in the days and weeks to come. I had known friends who had miscarried, and I never realized how powerful such a loss was. I do now. My beauty from the ashes was born almost a year to the day after I lost that baby. I wouldn’t trade her for anything.

  • http://www.martalocklear.com marta

    The fear of loosing a child, even the unborn is a torturous fear. Living it is something that I could not comprehend. I feel for you, and the others that have lived this loss. I do know the healing powers of the written word, or even just talking about it. Thank you for sharing your moment and reminding us all that it just takes time, and an outlet. Love ya…Marta

  • http://225photography.com/ amanda

    I’ve walked that same path and it isn’t easy, harder still to understand. Like you, we got pregnant the next month and are so blessed by our little firecracker. There is always that part of me that wonders why, what if, but when I hug my firecracker, I know that I am healed and grateful.

  • http://www.angiewarrenphotography.com Angie

    Thank you ladies for your words, I have enjoyed sitting to read your stories and heart-felt encouragement. So wonderful to come together as women, sharing the ups & downs life brings. Hugs to all.

  • Christina

    We have lost two little ones before I felt them move. The second loss was the saddest, because I can relate to how old the baby would have been each day. My son Jake was a twin and we lost the second one at about 10 weeks. I didn’t know I had twins until I lost the second one, and they told me I had nothing left, but the next day they found Jake! I didn’t reflect on how sorrowful I was until the day before I had Jake, packing my things and his for the hospital. I didn’t reflect on it because up until that point I had to care for myself and Jake and couldn’t think of things lost, I needed to focus on having a healthy baby. As I packed his things for the hospital I started to think that I might be packing two of everything, and that we would have just bought a bigger car, and two car seats and two onzies and two newly embroidered blankets with precious family names. The day Jake was born was very sad, because I can help but think I would have had two, and every day when I see him play I think that there could have been two under the play mobile. At the same time I also makes me think that we are SO incredibly blessed to have three and that my three are true miracles!

  • Melanie

    Your story touched my heart. I feel very blessed when I look at each of my children but I am missing one. My third pregnancy was my most difficult. After learning I was going to have twins I hit every range of emotions. Scared, happy, excited, back to scared and back to happy! Along the way one of my babbies did not make. I lost one of the twins very early, but that did help my pain. I don’t think you fully understand until you have been there. I have been there. Thanks for sharing your story. I think it helps to open up and share.

  • http://jaimeflemingphotography.yolasite.com Jaime Fleming

    I too have lost a baby. It would have been my middle child. I was only 6 weeks when i started having complications, and then during my 7th week discovered the pregnancy was ectopic (in my tube). I had no choice but to undergo emergency surgery to remove the pregnancy. “remove the pregnancy” is just a nice way of saying “abortion” and it absolutely beaks my heart that i knowingly killed a baby. friends tried to be supportive, saying things like “you made the right choice for your family.” but what they don’t understand is that i had no choice. an ectopic pregnancy will never yield a viable baby. it will always self-terminate and in the process, kill the mother. i stopped telling people about the loss because i got tired of defending my so-called decision. i never forget it though. i often wonder what he or she would look like, what i would have named Baby, what sort of talents he or she might have possessed. like and these ladies above, instead of a birth story, i got a horror story. in a way, however, i am thankful and understand that everything happens for a reason. two months later, i was pregnant with my little Firecracker and on July 16, i was doing exactly what you were doing. celebrating the birth of a happy, healthy baby. congratulations on your boys. may they bring you many more blessings in years to come. thanks for sharing your story.

  • http://blog.wilma-s.com Wilma Warchol

    I Suffered through infertility for 13 years. Then, in the worst possible situation I found myself pregnant. I remember that first burst of Joy when the test read positive. I’d all but given up on peeing on a stick because I couldn’t bear to see just the one line one more time. The next second reality struck and I realized becoming a mom to this baby was going to be joy mixed with lots of difficulties.

    There was so much stress during this short pregnancy, a dad who didn’t want this baby, who saw his world crumbling because of this unborn child’s existence and a mommy who wanted to be happy but also felt sadness because of the way this was all happening.

    At the 12 week appointment there was no heartbeat, and I was sent to get an ultrasound at the hospital. It was my first ever, and I didn’t realize that if the tech didn’t turn the screen around and happily showed you a beating heart, it wasn’t good news. She brought in a peri-natologist and I was sent back to the waiting room. A good friend had driven 1.5 hours to pick me up and drive me to the hospital, but I didn’t ask him to come with, didn’t want to impose.

    In the waiting room I was asked to pick up a red phone and there ,in a room full of strangers, the voice over the phone told me that my baby was no longer alive, had most likely died a week earlier. Five days later I had a D&C. Four days after that I awoke to terrible cramping to finish things up.

    If I HAD to lose a baby, this was the one that made sense. He/she would have been loved, but wouldn’t really have had a dad.

    When I met my husband a few months after that and we became pregnant 4 months later (pretty amazing, considering my history and ripe old age) it was scary and I barely dared to enjoy pregnancy. Even now it’s like I was barely able to grasp on and finally was able to become the mother I’d always dreamed of being.

  • jamie

    just another reason why i love and adore you from afar as pretty much strangers.

  • http://www.steadymom.com steadymom

    Thanks for sharing so vulnerably with us all, Angie.

    Jamie

  • Ruth Ann Waugh

    In Feb 2000, I was induced and gave birth to stillborn twin boys. Within 2 months we were pregnant and 8 mths later came our beautiful son, D. He is now 8 yrs old and the joy of our lives. God knew what he was doing and I thank Him everyday for taking Michael and Zachary on to heaven and giving me D. Its hard to see the blessings while you’re in the middle of the trial; but I realized during the moment that D took his first breath that he wouldn’t be here if his brothers had lived. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Aimee

    You write so well. I am sorry you had to go through that. I have had 3 miscarriages and it is such a difficult thing to go through. The pain never completely goes away and you never forget but it does make you realize how truly blessed you are when you look at the sweet little ones you welcomed into this world. Thats how I feel when I look at my 3. After a lot of time had passed, my losses made me realize how lucky I am to have the beautiful little people I have today.

  • http://athomewiththerichardsfamily.blogspot.com/ abbey

    It is interesting that you write about this just now. Our loss was 9/26/2008 and 8/5 of this year we welcomed our little girl. We’re just past the year mark from the miscarriage and it is an odd mix of sadness over the loss and knowing that we couldn’t have that baby and our darling girl too. They have been talking about this on momversation.com this week too which brought it back to mind. My initial post the week of the miscarriage is here: http://athomewiththerichardsfamily.blogspot.com/2008/09/loss.html I think it might be time to do a follow-up one… Thank you for sharing with us. It is not a fun club to belong to, but it helps to talk it through with others that understand. Thanks!

  • http://Freetolearnanlovinit.blogspot.com Rana

    Angie,
    I have never felt the loss of a child, but I do understand loss. October and November are hard months for me to get through too. My mother died on Thanksgiving day 2007. Thank you for sharing how you deal with your loss. I’ve been writing in my journal and blogging about it and it seems to help deal with all the emotions I have been feeling.

  • http://www.overcomingbusy.com Marci@OvercomingBusy

    You are brave for sharing your story and bearing your soul. I’m not an overly emotional person so I’ll just say….been in your shoes. don’t want to go there again. too hard on the heart. valentines day was my day.

  • http://www.tishamccuiston.com/ Tisha

    It is amazing how strong we woman are.
    We have four losses and three years of trying before we had my son. I had always told myself that each pregnancy was the same little soul but it just wasn’t their “time” to be born just yet…I told myself this to get through it and keep on getting out of bed each day. When I finally got pregnant with Adam and they told me his due date was July 4th my jaw about hit the ground. It was the same due date as the very first baby we had lost at 13 weeks along. It gave me peace and I just knew it was the same little soul and he was ready to be born :-)
    With all of the pain life can bring it makes all of the good days shine. I often wonder if we would have been half as good of parents if it hadn’t been for all of the losses and heartache of wanting nothing more in life than to be parents. It was a gift in the sense that we know what a gift each day truly is! :-)

  • http://www.staceywoodsphoto.com stacey woods

    Oh Angie. I\’m so sorry for your loss. I can\’t imagine losing a child and I\’m so sorry you had to experience it. When I was pregnant with my son, my baby sister was also expecting. We were excited to be able to share this time together, since we had always been close and now had this miracle and experience to share as well! Only, we couldn\’t. She lost her baby at 12 weeks. Our other sister had already had a miscarriage previously and I became so afraid that I\’d be next. I wasn\’t, and Parker was born healthy and perfect at 40 weeks. But the guilt I felt that I got to keep my baby and my sisters did not almost killed me. I remember sobbing on the phone to her after Parker was born, I\’ll never forget it. Although both my sisters conceived again shortly after their miscarriages, I know they have a special place in their heart for their angels. And I feel blessed that my babies have two guardian angels watching over them too.

  • http://allineedisthewhitepicketfence.blogspot.com/ brooke

    Oh I can\’t tell you what that post meant to me and so many others who have had a loss. I have blogged about my losses and the pain for awhile now, sadly! Please see my blog and share with others that have had to battle through this unspeakable grief. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing about it!

  • OldNufftoKnowBtr

    I lost my first pregnancy at about 28 weeks. Two daughters Linda and Joyce who lived for 17 hours. That was 1964. I never saw them and never held them. I was then blessed with two more daughters. Things have changed now it is acknowledged that parents will grieve the loss of premature infants. Pictures are taken and parents are able to hold their little ones.

  • Elizabeth

    Thank you so much for sharing this. We just lost ours two months ago, and another last March who would have been due in November, and are trying again. It gets easier every day, but it seems that every time I turn around there is someone else due in March when the the last one was due, or just pregnant people every, including both (!) of my sisters in law–painful reminders. I can’t blog about this because so many of my family members read my site, and it’s just not the place, so thank you very much for putting it here. It is so comforting to read words from people on the other side of it all.

  • http://galations52223.blogspot.com Allie

    We just completed our miscarriage this past Tuesday. We had found out two weeks prior that we had lost the baby. It was a hard two weeks to wait, but we leaned on the Lord and He comforted us. The pain from child loss is immense, but the Lord has His plans and His ways are perfect (even if we don’t agree with it). Thank you for sharing this story. It really touched my heart and helps me know that while going through this, I’m not an island. There are others and its important to support each other.