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Sep 2010

Cause Your Friends …

September 21, 2010 By 23 Comments
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… are my friends, and my friends are your friends … the MORE we get together, the happier we’ll be.

I am approaching a certain age, which has led me to think a lot about friendships.  I even read a magazine article about the loss of friendships in women of my age.  It spoke of how “life assaults: divorce, widowhood, relocation, the empty nest …” often result in the evaporation of old friendships.  As for me, I no longer work outside the home, I’ve lived three places in the last 3 years, and I have no religious community or school group.  Thus, I have no friends (ok, no real life friends.).

Now, before we put on our pity party hats, please realize that I’ve never been one for big circles of girlfriends.  My sister joined a sorority in college; I chopped up caterpillars in a laboratory.  After college, my sister would spend beach weekends with friends; I spent the summer working with horse sperm in a laboratory (notice a theme?).  I’m a girl that doesn’t mind solitude, but I’ve usually had at least one close friend to reach out to if I needed it.  But with that certain age looming, I’m not sure I can say that is true any longer.  I can see a future where my children are more independent, and less time-consuming for me.  Who will I meet for coffee?  Who will take me shopping for a new dress?  Who will go to the art festival with me?

In high school I had an ideal friend.  We were from different circles on many fronts, and my parents worried she was a bad influence.  In reality she was a wonderful person, and despite our differences, she simply accepted me for me.  Photography brought us together, but we learned to enjoy so many things together.  She taught me to play tennis, we went to concerts, I introduced her to the city, we confided in one another.  When I got married, we drifted apart and lost touch.  The past couple of years, I think about her.  How un-alike we were, but how much we liked one another.  How easy it was.  I miss that.

As a grown-up woman and mother, I feel like there is a secret little, tense undercurrent to so many of my relationships with other women.  They are often the mothers of my children’s friends, or the spouses of my husband’s co-workers.  There are appearances to consider, relationships to protect.  It is not easy.  I would not miss that.

So now I brain storm.  I was never in the corporate world, I never learned to network, I’m the girl who hates to even call for pizza.  But I need to make some friends.  Ones that will teach me new things.  Ones that help me get outside of my circle.  Ones that will make my parents worry.

Creative mamas, help me out — how have you made friends in the grown-up world?  Are you a big circle of girlfriends woman, or a solo gal-pal type?  At this point, I think I’m ready for either — send ‘em my way!

About Amy


Amy is a bit of a jack-of-all-trades. A photography course in high school sent her to college with a journalism degree in mind, but some surprises along the way led to a career in veterinary medicine. Motherhood has brought things full circle, and now she is concentrating on her photography, finding her creative self and expressing the joys in life which she shares on her blog, Life in Eden.

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  • http://www.tracitoddphotography.com/blog traci

    i am right there with you except that i do have “friends” but i don’t have coffee or go shopping with these “friends”. I often feel that they are only my friends b/c we go to church together and our kids are the same age. Once I moved after high school I really haven’t found the friends that I really want to have. Sure I have great friends online and a few that I knew in high school but they don’t live close by. Most days I am fine with hanging out with my hubby (I am a home body) but every now and then I wish I had someone that would go see a movie with me or something.

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  • http://www.slouchingmom.com slouchy

    what am i, chopped liver? :)

    arts fest here we come…

  • http://www.sharinakagawa.com Shari

    Hi Amy,

    I’m not a mom and neither is the woman of this blog http://mwfseekingbff.com/ but I love reading about her search for a new BFF and how hard it is once you pass a certain age.

  • Tammy Waida

    I know exaclty how you feel. I was that girl that had many friends throughout high school and college and do still keep in touch somewhat with those friends, but they don’t live close by and I don’t see them very often. I do have “friends” that I have met through a playgroup for my two daughters. There are some that I honestly would not normally spend time with otherwise, but there are a few that I have come to really call a friend. (We are actually meeting for a girl’s night out tonight!) I wouldn’t have met these girls unless we had kids the same age and were all stay at home moms, but I don’t think it really matters how you find your friends, but that you find someone you connect with and make an effort to do things together that you all enjoy. (Sounds a lot like dating!)

  • http://www.facebook.com/theamberimage amber

    i just posted something about this exact thing on my facebook a couple months ago!! in high school i always had lots of friends, with plenty of options of what group or friend to hang out with. but now that ive moved (from minnesota to arizona), got married, have a 15 month old, 25 weeks pregnant with my second, a stay at home mom while my husband works both in the home and at an office, and my family lives in a different state…i find myself quite lonely at times which is a hard adjustment for someone like me who really enjoys that friend who drops by, or a impromptu shopping trip to target just to have something to do.

    i have one close girl friend here, but she lives on the other side of town, and being a work from home mom herself, its hard to make time to meet up (especially in az where its still over 100 degrees!!). i have a few girls that i consider friends…but we dont really hang out or call each other to do anything, so its not really the friendship i really crave!

    my dream is to have a group of lady friends, preferably photogra-moms, who can inspire me, teach me, and just have fun with me…both in photography and daily life! ive reached out to a couple local photogra-moms to see if they’re interested in starting some sort of group like this (since i dont know any of these people and they seem to have an abundance of these types of friends)…and a few have said they love the idea, but are bit too busy right now to get involved…which still leaves me feeling like everyone has friends but me!

    how do we connect and create REAL friendships with people who already have the friends they “need”? how can i get them to see that im cool too and they would be happy to have me around?

    i see my mom…shes in her late 40′s, has owned her own business her whole life, has moved A LOT, and has never really had any lasting friendships! shes has a few close girl friends here and there, but every time she moves that fades. i dont want that for myself. i dont want to be lonely and grasping for connections when my kids are grown because they are the only people ive had all along.

    we need an online dating site for moms looking for friends. if people can find their life-long soulmate…surely i can find just 1 or 2 decent friendships…right??

  • http://sweetpeastitching.blogspot.com Jennifer

    I LOVE the idea of a “dating” website for friends.

    I could have written the same post. I, too, struggle with making friends. I am not the most social person, and I am married to an even less social husband, which puts me in the position (sometimes an uncomfortable one) of being the “friend maker” for our family. I don’t even get the benefit of the spouses of his co-workers!

    I have one friend that I’ve known since we’re four, but she lives in Virginia and we’re lucky to see each other 2x a year (I live in PA). Another friend lives a little closer, but our paths have diverged slightly since the birth of my son last year. She’s just getting married, and they don’t plan on having kids, so even though we’re very close friends, sometimes our lifestyles don’t match up as well as we’d like.

    I’d like to have someone to go for coffee with, go shopping with, hell, sit on the front porch and have a glass of wine with. But it’s so hard to form those friendships. Sometimes I wonder if at this stage in my life, someone who is willing to be your friend may not necessarily be the best choice of a friend – everyone has their friends set already. Anyone willing to accommodate you might be desperate and weird.

    I’ve tried being friendly with our neighbors – we moved here 2 years ago and it took over a year before anyone really started talking to us. But neighborhood politics make me nervous, and I’ve heard there’s been drama here in the past. It also doesn’t help that most of these people have lived here since the development was built 10 years ago, and they all bonded then. I feel like a tolerated outsider most of the time

  • http://www.michellethomasphoto.com michelle thomas

    I feel you, ladies. I spent my entire life (40 years) in Orange County, CA. Just moved to Portland and not only am I friendless, the weather doesn’t exactly lend itself to lots of outdoor time 6 months of the year. I miss coffee with the gals, play dates, cocktails and just feeling like I belong. I find myself shy with new people, so it’s hard for me too.

    Too bad you don’t live next door to me…we could grab coffee and then neither of us would be friendless.
    Good luck and keep on keeping on!

    -Michelle

  • http://www.kettiphotograpy.com ketti

    This is me! Exactly me! Well, except for the horse sperm.

  • MelissaF

    Boy, I’m so glad you wrote this article! I’ve gone from having a lot of friends through college to gradually fewer and fewer as time has gone on. I’ve gotten involved in some organizations where I thought I’d made some really good friends, only to find out as our affiliations with the groups lessened, so did my friends. Lately, I’ve really focused on building the relationships with my extended family, although I’m not sure if my motives are “pure”. Am I only trying to build these relationships because my lack of “real” friends? I do sincerely believe that time invested in family is never wasted, but I think I’m using it in lieu of reaching out to form friendships. It’s scary being 40-something and trying to find friends. It feels a lot like adolescence…which for me, was not fun! Although I don’t have a “magic answer”, I just feel so much better knowing I’m not alone in my struggles!

  • http://www.penn-fam.blogspot.com Missy June

    I’m by nature a totally “Go Solo Girl” right along with you. But, I’ve learned (the hard way) how much I need friends, desperately, to sharpen me, point out errors of thought, encourage and surround me when in need.

    Life “Assaults” have hammered me: Divorce – yes. Relocation – yes. And in some of these assaults I was isolated and alone, leading to depression and exposure.

    I truly believe there are some friends we have for a season, and some for life…both kinds are valuable and needed.

    Most of my close friends have been discovered through shared life experiences: church is a big one for me, but I had to put myself ‘out there’ and join small groups. My college mates are the most enduring and we are spread out throughout the U.S., but make weekly “update” emails and try to get together annually.

    Learning who is ‘safe’ has helped me, along with learning to put myself ‘out there.’

    From one who is just fine with a Saturday night alone with a book, it has taken a purposeful attitude of being friendly to develop friendships. But oh, the rewards are greater than I realized and the need in me was greatert than I thought.

  • Marcy

    Do they have to be like, “real” friends – like have coffee together and talk at the fence? Not where I am. I’m out in the country, no close neighbors, taking care of the farm while my husband works when he can. Luckily, he’s my best friend. But I hear you. It probably would be nice. To have a best friend. I have acquaintences. I’ve never been good with “girlfriends.” Quite honestly, after being hurt throughout school days by unkind, cliquey, two-faced, classmates, I struggled with trust and female friendships. I’m not into superficial relationships – I’d rather have none. I don’t shop, except for groceries, I don’t go to restaurants, Starbucks, the mall, girls’ night outs or any other “trendy” fad that BFF’s are supposed to enjoy. I can’t afford it, and I have better things to do with my time – sit outside and listen to the night sounds, scrapbook when I can, garden, and everything related to becoming more self sufficient in these tough economic times. So, for me, though it would be nice to have a “true” friend come and join me in my ventures, or have a cup of coffee together, for now I’ll enjoy cyber friendships – perusing blogs of like minded women and posting a comment here and there. Who knows, maybe one day someone will write me back, and a long distance friendship will begin

  • Christine

    Sadly this post makes me feel better I thought I was the only one. I am at least glad I am not alone. I could have written this post

  • Jennifer

    I have been thinking about this very same thing!
    I have never really had a lot of close friends. In high school and college I only had a couple of close friends. After getting married and having a baby (cooking up number 2 right now) many of those friendships have fallen by the wayside. I have plenty of “friends” that I have met through my mommy group but none that I would consider close. I would really like someone that I would be comfortable calling when I needed someone to cry to. I used to be really close to an aunt that has recently moved farther away. There is definitely a hole where friends should be.
    I’m not really sure how to go about making friends. It seems like it should be such a simple thing but I have always had a difficult time moving from chatting at the park to “we should get together what’s your number?”

  • http://www.elizabethholdersblog.typepad.com elizabeth Holder

    wow – did this post ever hit home. I have always been a kinda solo-girl type – but growing up I didn’t have gaggles of girlfriends =usually one or 2 really, really good friends that I did everything with – now that I am an empty nester – i find most of my time spent w/ my husband -b/c we don’t see each other that often. Recently my best friend and I have parted ways – sometimes differences between two people can drive a wedge in even the strongest relationships. And while sometimes she pops into my mind – mostly life is easier with out all the drama.

    I am too much of an independent sometimes and really enjoy my solo time. Is something wrong with me -? I don’t have ton’s of girlfriends to invite out to dinner, I would actually like to go out with just one or two,
    sometimes it would be nice to have more friends but it’s so hard to find them – Ihave blog friends and sometimes i wish so bad they lived closer b/c I just know we’d be best friends –
    right now I don’t have anyone to pour my heart out to, or rant and rave about a horrible day – and I miss it sometimes – but how do you find those “good”friends?
    Thanks so much for this post

  • amber

    i’m not sure of the “age” you are speaking of but i have young children not almost grown or independent… but i’m guessing i’m not of that age quite yet. i never had a best friend growing up and met my matron of honor after highschool, but she’s all i had, one brides made was my sister 8yrs younger than i.
    i did grow up with one friend sort of like you speak of your one childhood friend. mine tho WAS a bad influence! well she could/should have been but i never let her convince me to do the things she did and i was good for her. blah blah on to where i have found my “real” friends as an adult…

    i would say i have 8 that i can “shop, or get coffee” with. i have two very good friends out of state. one i met online and the other (my matron of honor) moved after i knew her for a year so we have phone/online relationships now that i cherish and value just as much as my IRL friendships, i consider them IRL because of the contact we have.

    i have met two of my close friends thru an online group for mother’s having a baby during a specific time of year. One of them i met at a local festival where i had a booth for my photography business. One of them was an old co-worker of mine that took an interest of my side hobby/business of photography. poor thing took an interest so i started talking her ear off! from there we found very commonalities between the two of us. we have fam an hour away in the same (but different than we live) state. her daughter is 6months younger than mine, our husbands are very much alike, so now our kiddos and hubbys are FAB friends! she is also artistic and her husband is starting up a small business as well. about 6 months after we became friends my husband and I ended up buying a house 6 blocks from them! ok enough babbling bout her LOL! i have also become great friends with a few other co-workers, and the girlfriend of another co-worker. he and my hubby were friends enough for her and i to hang out lots. they have since broken up, she’s moved on and had a baby… but we are still fab friends. the last i’ll mention is someone i was friends with in highschool but we were not awesome friends. i enjoyed her tho and we have since reconnected on facebook.

    reach out in your community find groups that meet up with commonalities you are interested in. find local photographers and invite them out for coffee in a group from there you can determine who you may want to invite to your home for a more personalized type of get together, invite ppl you like from the different events you attend.

    YOU CAN DO IT! if you want to :)

  • http://cleotography.com Dani Leonard

    As the above, i feel the same way…i have even mentioned this to my husband…that the older i get the harder it is to make connections with other women…And i truelly believe that women need women, to talk to, to lean on, to discuss the woes of parenthood….wifehood….to just have someone to listen to you…my husband is truelly my best friend….but there is just something about talking to your gal pal…that just brings a different joy….laughing over chic flicks, swooning over Javier in eat pray love….ect ect…that a husband just doesn\’t get….
    You can join play groups, and get involved in church, but there is only so much you can do to find a network of women….to find friends….without just walking up and bluntly asking : \"will you be my friend\" like we did when we were in third grade….but i think i am almost at that point.

    it is so nice to know that i am not the only one.

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  • Lynn

    I wish I had some advice and really look forward to the responses here.

    I find myself in the exact same boat. I have one nearby close friend and one best friend from high school, who lives hundreds of miles away, but we still consider ourselves best friends. I find that I have tons of casual friends, but they all seem to have their own tight circle that I have no idea how to stumble into. Even our couple friends are down to this one close friend and her husband and kids. Everyone else has moved, divorced, or sadly, died. I feel so sad sometimes realizing that I don’t have any idea how to make a new, close friendship. I have told my husband that I wish we could meet a family like our own who has just moved to town and has no connections yet so that we could maybe start from zero and build a close friendship. It’s just so hard and disheartening to me. Where are we supposed to meet new people who are in the same situation?

    Thanks for bringing this up.

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  • http://kerrigagnephotography.blogspot.com/ Kerri Gagne

    loved this post! And it resonates with me, being a 34 year old engaged female in corporate America!
    hope you have found some friends over the past few months!

    If you are still looking, I will be your friend ;)